application to date my doughter.
02-23-2008 | 02:49 AM
#1
Thread Starter
Ruff Ryder
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,140
From: palm desert
application to date my doughter.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
02-23-2008 | 10:58 AM
#3
Über User
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,532
From: lemont, Illinois
dude.... way to long, i can home drunk last night read like the first 1/5 of it and said, yeah im to drunk to read right now this is insane im sleeping
and then at like 5 this girl like texts me 5 times in a matter of 2 mins and calls 2 times and all i wanted was sleep!!!!
and then at like 5 this girl like texts me 5 times in a matter of 2 mins and calls 2 times and all i wanted was sleep!!!!
02-24-2008 | 12:11 AM
#5
Encyclopedic Knowledge
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,316
From: Naperville, IL
answered (occasionally) to the best of my knowledge
NAME: Randy
DATE OF BIRTH: Feb 22, a long time ago in a galaxy far away
HEIGHT: 5'10 WEIGHT: 150 IQ: over 2 standard deviations from the mean... that should be sufficient GPA 3.4, IIRC (3.555 in Math, 4.0 in Philosophy)
SOCIAL SECURITY # don't have one, I'm an illegal immigrant
DRIVERS LICENSE # who needs one? I know how to drive
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES lolz - I was too busy making out with girls to be in boy scouts
Do you have parents? X Yes ___No (who the F*CK doesn't have parents???)
Is one male and the other female? X Yes ___No (it's biologically impossible for this not to be the case)
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes X No (SUV's seats fold down)
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes X No
C. A waterbed? __Yes X No (they f*ck up my rhythm anyway)
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes X No
E. A tattoo? ___Yes X No (I don't have A tattoo, I have tattoos)
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes X No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
nah... your daughter wants me too much for me to let you scare me here (reward outweighs the risk)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
it means she hasn't gotten her period yet and it's time for me to leave her
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
that you have control issues and you need to cope with the fact that your daughter wants to ride my ****
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
"waste of a pleasure-hole"
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
United Church of Atheism
How often you attend
we don't bother meeting
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? while we're on our honeymoon humping like rabbits after eloping (we'll call you and let you know)
mother? anytime... go to Mt. Carmel Cemetary and ask all the questions you'd like
pastor? LMFAO
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
in the head... duh... that'd have a higher probability of death than any other body part (btw, I hope you practice your quick-draws... I know I do)
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
why don't you tell me? it's more likely that I'd be the one doing the beating
C: A woman's place is in the:
I don't care, but my place is in the woman.
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
my views towards overprotective fathers and my explanation as to why their daughters tend to be ****** (and why I love that)
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
sleep with LOTS of barely-legal *****... and continue my current careerpath
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
her ***... if it's nice, I continue on to her eyes
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
$27 for 4 hours, $47 a night at Palos Motel (I think it's $35/$65 on Fridays and Saturdays)
NAME: Randy
DATE OF BIRTH: Feb 22, a long time ago in a galaxy far away
HEIGHT: 5'10 WEIGHT: 150 IQ: over 2 standard deviations from the mean... that should be sufficient GPA 3.4, IIRC (3.555 in Math, 4.0 in Philosophy)
SOCIAL SECURITY # don't have one, I'm an illegal immigrant
DRIVERS LICENSE # who needs one? I know how to drive
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES lolz - I was too busy making out with girls to be in boy scouts
Do you have parents? X Yes ___No (who the F*CK doesn't have parents???)
Is one male and the other female? X Yes ___No (it's biologically impossible for this not to be the case)
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes X No (SUV's seats fold down)
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes X No
C. A waterbed? __Yes X No (they f*ck up my rhythm anyway)
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes X No
E. A tattoo? ___Yes X No (I don't have A tattoo, I have tattoos)
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes X No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
nah... your daughter wants me too much for me to let you scare me here (reward outweighs the risk)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
it means she hasn't gotten her period yet and it's time for me to leave her
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
that you have control issues and you need to cope with the fact that your daughter wants to ride my ****
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
"waste of a pleasure-hole"
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
United Church of Atheism
How often you attend
we don't bother meeting
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? while we're on our honeymoon humping like rabbits after eloping (we'll call you and let you know)
mother? anytime... go to Mt. Carmel Cemetary and ask all the questions you'd like
pastor? LMFAO
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
in the head... duh... that'd have a higher probability of death than any other body part (btw, I hope you practice your quick-draws... I know I do)
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
why don't you tell me? it's more likely that I'd be the one doing the beating
C: A woman's place is in the:
I don't care, but my place is in the woman.
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
my views towards overprotective fathers and my explanation as to why their daughters tend to be ****** (and why I love that)
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
sleep with LOTS of barely-legal *****... and continue my current careerpath
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
her ***... if it's nice, I continue on to her eyes
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
$27 for 4 hours, $47 a night at Palos Motel (I think it's $35/$65 on Fridays and Saturdays)
Last edited by ZLover4Life; 02-24-2008 at 02:25 AM.
02-24-2008 | 02:12 AM
#7
Über User
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,532
From: lemont, Illinois
wooooo palos!!! lol. naw sibiris is where its at lol. oh randy, i cant but think that u have drank something in the alcoholic nature. i know i sure have. and got a ladies number. but yeah, reading that, man do we have similare mind sets. and though i no longer have my 3.4 GPA (****) its still crazy. oh, and i lost my 150lb weight, same height though. stop living life like me!!!!
02-24-2008 | 02:22 AM
#8
Encyclopedic Knowledge
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,316
From: Naperville, IL
Originally Posted by snwbrderphat540
wooooo palos!!! lol. naw sibiris is where its at lol. oh randy, i cant but think that u have drank something in the alcoholic nature. i know i sure have. and got a ladies number. but yeah, reading that, man do we have similare mind sets. and though i no longer have my 3.4 GPA (****) its still crazy. oh, and i lost my 150lb weight, same height though. stop living life like me!!!!
And I have had alcoholic beverages... they just tend to be the ones that *actually* taste good (i.e. "chick drinks"), but I've still never been drunk or buzzed or anything.
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